Sex, Space and Time
In loving sex are the two poles of spiritual practice — experiencing the sacred and behaving ethically
For years I heard teachers such as Kim Anami and David Deida talk about sexual opening and spiritual opening as one and the same process. I wanted this to be true, but I couldn't bring the idea into focus.
Then I discovered the work of Jessica Graham, author of Good Sex: Getting Off Without Checking Out. During mindful and loving sex, she writes:
It seems that time slows, or perhaps doesn’t exist at all. Your breath is your partner’s breath which is the breath of everything. As you inhale, so does the universe. At first you can’t tell your body from her’s. One warm, pulsing, entity of energy. Then there is no body at all. Something can see through your eyes, taste though your mouth, touch through your fingertips, but it is not made of thoughts and emotions. It is not a Me.
That ‘s it. Jessica gets to the point, reminding us that sex can be a portal to the sacred.
But what is the sacred? I define it as that which is absolutely useless — not a means to any other end. The sacred is the end.
The sacred is what we value for its own sake, the experience of being fully alive. It’s unconditional satisfaction and the end of seeking, a state of completeness that does not depend on acquiring anything. In this state I don't need meaning or purpose. I see that we’re alive and we’re connected, and that’s enough.
In the sacred, perception of space is transformed. The sense of me is not confined to a physical body. I enter a seamless world filled with sensations that move, merge, and change. My body feels solid and light at the same time, and feelings circulate without leaving a trace. Skin radiates intelligence, and the whole body is a mind. There is no separate person to be found — just silent awareness and sweet obliteration.
In the sacred, perception of time is also transformed. Like meditation, loving sex silences the voice inside my head — the constant stream of self-centered, negative thinking that clings to the past and future. Time as a linear flow of events disappears into a pure timeless moment that unfolds inside and outside my skin at once.
Even so, the sacred is linked to the material world — the realm where time and money still matter, where every behavior has moral consequences.
Loving sex is based on ethical behavior — listening to what my partner wants, being kind to her, telling the truth, and having sex only in ways that leave other people unharmed. If I’m focusing on my body, my needs, and my pleasure above everything else, sex reveals that.
Loving sex opens a window to my attachments and changes my relationship to pleasure. Like meditation, it teaches me to let go of grasping: Even earth-shaking orgasms don’t last forever.
Note: Tamara gets this better than me. See her piece titled Sex, Memory, and the Unbreakable Bond.
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